You’ve taken the first step. You’ve decided you would like to find a therapist. You ask some important questions; how do I find someone who will suit me? What kind of therapy should I try? What will work for me?
Recently I participated in a large workshop attended by thousands of psychotherapists, all of us seeking a solution to this modern conundrum, a new magic theory to help our patients deal with these difficult questions. That is our job, and we take it seriously. We’ve been listening to lecture after lecture, awash in an ocean of ideas from leading edge thinkers, theorists and practitioners, all expounding on which treatments might help people live better lives. Despite knowing that a paint by the numbers theory does not exist in psychotherapy, we look for pragmatic answers, trying to learn from experts what therapy works best for which problems?
To be sure, there are many different interventions and modalities that are useful. The cognitive therapists tackle faulty thinking in their clients, helping change the negative beliefs that harm self- esteem. The psycho-dynamic therapists dig deep with their patients to uncover defensive feelings that went underground but are haunting their lives today.
The newer kids on the block are the attachment therapists who help determine how early caretaker bonds are impacting your relationships now.
And the trauma specialists are turning to neuro-biology to discover triggers that activate your nervous system creating repetition of suffering as you are unknowingly aroused by old wounds. These are just a few of the modalities that can be explored.
But after all the lectures, intense discussion, and training sessions on the intersection of theory and practice, a surprising bottom line has emerged: The latest research on effective therapy suggests that it’s the collaborative and deeply caring relationship between the therapist and client that is at the heart of successful therapy. One might say, as in the old refrain, “Love is the Answer.”
Effective therapy lies in the mutual bond; the belief that you can be helped, the warmth you feel for one another, the trust you place in your therapist, the way you feel heard, the way you feel liked and validated - these are the fundamentals that predict a better result in therapeutic work.
It’s simple, yet so complicated. Love is the most complex emotion we have: Human wellbeing depends upon it from infancy through old age. Working through problems in a non-threatening loving environment with a trained, experienced and empathetic professional is the basic process, and the best formula for a happy outcome.
When I am asked how to find a good therapist, I say look for someone you initially like and let the relationship flourish.